A relationship inventory. The breakup experts say that you should take an objective look back at the relationship and see it for what it was. The good times, the not so good times and the downright bad ones. It is true and amazing that after the relationship is gone it is harder to remember the bad times or even the boring - or at least those aren't the ones that pop into your head first - those need a little more prompting to get them back to the forefront of your mind for consideration.
Have I placed my relationship on a pedestal? No, not really. Or at least if I did before, I am past that point now. I am sure that I have focused on the good times more than the bad while ruminating over it in the last few months but I can say with honesty that I have not altered the facts of our relationship to make it seem perfect in my mind.
It was a relationship that had issues from the beginnning but I could not see them while I was living it. There were red flags which I ignored and justified so that I could keep going. After deciding to fully put myself into this relationship and invest anything into it at all, it's pretty difficult to not want to get the return for your investment instead of cutting your losses quickly and getting the hell out of there. Plus, let's remember this relationship was on the fast track and we were living together so fast that it then also became about logistics. Where would he go if I kicked him out?
It was doomed from the start, really. Fast forwarded relationships don't last. They can't last because it's impossible to maintain that level of intensity for the long haul and the truth of the matter is that you don't know each other very well at all before you find yourself claiming to be in a serious committed relationship - living together, talking about marriage, buying things together, the whole kit and kaboodle. Every new relationship has the "honeymoon" period, and so did we. In the beginning we were around each other constantly. We couldn't keep our hands off each other. We went out and had fun together, we talked, we made up lovey nicknames for each other, we did nice things for each other like trade off cooking nice dinners, we laughed, we shared stories of our pasts and our hopes for the future.
Our honeymoon period lasted about a year and then I thought we were all settled in for the "normal" part of a relationship, the real deal, life - which was fine, I was ready. I had no delusions that life was a fairy tale and that the honeymoon would never end. As more and more things came out about him and the drama started happening, I felt like I could deal with it all - bring it on, I was super strong woman! I came into the relationship strong and healthy and didn't once think that there was anything that could not be fixed.
OK, the inventory.
Good things:
- Trust. Up until the last month of our relationship, I trusted this man with everything. I never once thought that he would cheat on me (and this is something given our rather large age difference) or lie about anything. I never worried about what he was doing when we weren't together and I never, ever, ever looked at his phone or email. At least for the first 3 years, 8 months. Last month, not so much - but more on that later.
- The physical stuff. Not just sex. The sex was consistent - meaning for the entire relationship we had sex at least 3 to 4 times a week. Sometimes it was fantastic, sometimes it was good and sometimes it was OK. But also the physical on the hugs, kissing goodbye and hello, holding hands and just generally wanting to be physically near one another, even if it was just in the same room. We didn't become a couple that was sharing a house but basically living in different rooms.
- He loved my kids. He loved them in a way that was right for us. Did he try and replace their Dad? Nope, not at all. He took interest in them in more of a friend way - asked them about school, went to their sports and school activities, did things with us as a family but not with an intention of being their father. He was accepted by them and vise versa. Perfect? Again, no. They did things to annoy him and vise versa. But they also had another adult in their lives that cared about them, took an interest in what they did and was there for them when they needed it.
- He was (is, I guess, since he is unfortunately not dead) cute and funny. Tall, dark, thin, beautiful blue eyes. And funny. He could come up with the funniest sayings and nicknames for almost anything. I loved the goofy side of him and that he could make me and the kids laugh.
- He seemed genuine. This one is a bit harder to list on the good things, and there is a caveat. It makes it on the list because I do think that there were times when he really did want to change his life path. Sometimes the light bulb would go on and I could see that he did understand how bad decisions got him to where he was and there was a glimmer of hope that he could take the responsibility and turn it around as long as he had the help and support (also known as me, the doormat) to be there for him. I do believe that he could see himself in a better place (this is mostly financial and career related) that he understood that he had to do the work to make that happen. And he did try at first.
The Bad:
- He was such a mess. Emotionally, financially, education wise, career wise, health wise, relationship wise. Again, the fast forward into this relationship missed all those opportunities to really get to know where someone has been and the trail of destruction left behind until it is too late. When things keep coming one right after another as opposed to all at once, it also makes it easier NOT to see the big picture of mess. And of course I thought I could fix it all. Clean up the mess and make a great man and partner.
- "Couldn't catch a break". This became the mantra. He was a victim and nothing ever worked out for him because of something or someone else. He could not see that it was himself that prevented success or moving forward every time.
- A smoker. OK, I will admit there is a little bit of this that I liked and could get me going a bit (mostly when I had a couple of drinks in me). I thought it was sexy when there was a cigarette hanging out of his mouth while he was doing something else with his hands. I thought he looked cool when he held it between his thumb and first finger. But, it was gross. It was stinky, bad for his health, bad for his teeth and hated the cigarette butts on the back porch.
- Anger. Not necessarily at me. And this isn't like being pissed at someone in the normal sense of a couple disagreeing or having a fight. This is like the anger at other people while driving, over-reacting to losing in a video game (Black Ops - I will FOREVER hate you), etc. The weird explosive temper tantrums almost that I seemed to be the unintended audience for. I hated talking him down, hated trying to smooth things over, hated listening to the verbal assault meant for others.
- Impulsive, needy, obsessive. I found that these lovely traits went beyond me and basically extended to everything in his world. I remember very distinctly the moment when I realized that his level of "want" went way beyond what was normal and I was so frustrated that this became our first fight. It was over a pair of jeans. He was surfing the internet and looking at clothes at Nordstrom and there was a pair of jeans he wanted. I don't remember if it was that they didn't have his size online or he didn't want to wait to have them shipped, but there was something that triggered the need to drive to the mall and get the jeans RIGHT NOW. The store at the mall didn't have them either and then it was this thing, this huge issue. He got into a terrible mood, was sulking, complaining, wouldn't stop talking about these stupid jeans. And I snapped at him. I couldn't stand it - what was the big deal? He didn't even really NEED them. And he couldn't even afford them (I was going to buy them). Why wouldn't another pair work? This "issue" was taking over our entire day and I was mad. It seemed to scare him a bit that I "rebelled" and called him on his crap and for that day the issue dropped. What I didn't know is that this would become the way of life and I would stop pushing back - it was too hard and too much energy to try and show him the error of his thinking and behavior. It shifted and became easier in my mind to get him those things he wanted with the hope that this latest thing would finally get him happy and satisfied. But he was a black hole of need and there was never ever going to be a way to fill it up.
- Complaining, negative. If you have ever been around someone like this you can understand the impact it can have. Me: "How was your day at work?" Him: "Terrible". The answer never changed. Well, the actual words might have changed, but you get my drift. If I had happened to have a good day, it was then tarnished by then listening to everything and everyone that contributed towards making his day suck. There was no hope, no light at the end of the tunnel. He couldn't find a larger goal and have that be what drove him to be better and find the good in any situation. And he couldn't see that being negative about everything made others not want to be around him or act a certain way around him and therefore contribute to the bad day. And round and round it went. A self fulfilling prophecy - you think life sucks and guess what? It will.
I'm going to stop with all that now. I probably could go on but I am beginning to hate the way I sound about it. I was/am no angel and I am sure if asked, he could come up with his own list of what was bad for him in the relationship. No doubt.
The thing is, the list of bad still reads like a "to-do" list in my mind. Fix, fix, fix, cross the issues off the list. Give and keep on giving until it makes him happy. Help him get a great job, nice things, avoid things that make him angry, just lead him into happiness! Ugh. This is where I got broke and to be honest was never going to change unless he left. And that is why I really should thank him for going.
I'm not exactly sure how I became this person. I had not been a person so desperate for a man or love that I would compromise so much of me. I was independent, successful, took care of myself and kids, I didn't need to be saved or supported. So maybe that is just it, that I thought this is what it meant to have unconditional love for someone, that it meant knowing no limits and busting up all boundaries. If I didn't need a man to take care of me, then what did I need one for? For love, for friendship, for a partner. And he promised all those things at first with such intensity and sincerity. How could I not ride it out and cash in on the relationship I was promised?
I had made a mistake. More than one actually. My mistakes were morally questionable at best, downright sleazy at worst and there was also this great big potential career risk I had just taken. Was I crazy!?! Sleeping with someone who worked for me?? I could've lost my job and it didn't even register at the time. It was the day after Sam and I had spent the night together and I was experiencing regret big time. But, instead of facing up to my mistakes and dealing with them head on to stop the madness, I hid from it and sort of hoped it would go away without having to experience any conflict or other type of fallout.
Here is what I thought - I thought I was in control of what happened and what would happen in the future. I thought I had taken advantage of a person who was vulnerable and I was feeling pretty bad about myself for doing so but could somehow rationalize it away and chalk it up to an experience and things between us would go no further. Here is the truth - Sam knew what he was doing and playing it (me) pretty well. In all fairness, I truly do believe that Sam was not/is not a "player" per se - not a cold hearted calculating person who can use others without thought or remorse. I think he is able to convince himself that his feelings and actions are real at the time and it is only a matter of time until he is face to face with the reality of the situation and then he becomes aware that all those intense feelings experienced at the beginning of a relationship cannot be sustained. As I found out much later, Sam had a pattern for relationships:
- He jumped from one to another with no break in between. All his relationships were serious/committed, not just dating or sleeping around. They actually technically overlapped. Sam felt justified in this because although perhaps he was still legally married to someone or in a relationship (like living together), she knew it was over (in his mind) and that made it OK to be involved with someone else.
- He burned super intense at the beginning of these relationships. He was all consuming with the amount of attention and adoration he put onto his women. The phone calls, text messages, constant need to be together.
- He was quick to emotionally connect, to fall in love. The current relationship was "the one". He was in love, he was happy. The new girl in his life was everything to him, nothing else mattered. He pushed for emotional and physical commitment very quickly.
- He played the victim. Everything was someone elses fault. He thought of himself as a real honest and open person, someone that was always being taken advantage of and hurt. There was very little responsibility for his decisions and actions.
- He was needy, broken, just "needed a little bit of help" to move on or was waiting for the one lucky break in life. For so many women, including myself, this was feeding into some Florence Nightingale syndrome and the desire to fix this person and make him into the great man we wanted him to be for us and our families.
In my quest for answers and understanding about this relationship, I have done lots of reading. I found a website - www.baggagereclaim.com within a couple of weeks after the breakup and spent hours on this site reading her posts. I bought her book and read it within a couple of days. There was so much that I read that I could relate to and it made me feel better. For the first time, I thought I was going to make it through this breakup just fine. I wish that was all I needed to put this behind me, but I digress.
The most important thing that I discovered about my relationship is that Sam is what is called a fast forwarder or a future faker. It was important because I learned that I was not alone and that how my relationship progressed and what eventually happened was actually not a unique occurrence. Although my relationship lasted close to 4 years, that is highly unlikely for a fast forwarded relationship. I am not or was not the "exception" to the rule no matter how hard I try to convince myself otherwise in order to add something more or some sort of validation to the relationship than what it really was. There were other reasons why it lasted so long. And boy, looking back now I was really fast forwarded. Here are some highlights that define this type of person/relationship:
- Fast Forwarding is a technique where someone sweeps you up in a tide of intensity when they’re pursuing you and you’re dating them that you end up missing crucial red flags.
- Push for emotional commitment and often sexual intimacy very quickly
- Make you feel like the centre of their universe
- Distract you from looking too closely at them
- Can be emotionally demanding
- Refer to the types of plans that people who have been in relationships far longer would discuss – marriage, babies, etc
- Some will introduce you to friends, family (including their kids) very quickly
- Say stuff like ‘But it feels like we have known each other for X months’ when you object to something and mention how you hardly know each other
- Can be petulant and sulky when they don’t get their own way so you quickly learn to minimise conflict
- Even though they appear to respect an asserted boundary, often quickly try to recross it
- Are very persistent when you’re not interested in them
- Will privately and sometimes openly think you’re The One pretty much immediately
- Will be eager to ‘title the relationship’ and demand commitment even when you hardly know each other
- Often have strings of high intensity short dalliances that fizzle out quickly
- Overestimate their level of interest
- Often veer between deflecting questions about themselves, oversharing, or telling lies and using selective omissions
So, from the next day on after the night we spent together I was pursued intensely. It was like nothing I had ever experienced before. It was like he could not get enough of me. He couldn't or wouldn't stay away. If we weren't in each other's physical company, it was instant messaging or texts or phone calls. And it was really annoying. It was too much for me. The alarm bells were ringing and my internal voice was screaming warnings at me. I was embarrassed of him. We went out once to a bar where people I used to work with hung out and I introduced him as my friend. I denied any romantic involvement to anyone who asked or gave me that inquisitive look. But still I continued to ignore all that messaging because it also started to feel really good when we were alone and all of the wrongness that surrounded our relationship could be pushed aside. I started to believe in a whirlwind romance fairy tale ending where this man was so head over heels in love with me that this could be my true love. I started to believe that this was the offer on the table, this intense feeling of love and adoration from someone so much younger than me that would always be there. Who wouldn't want to be adored for the rest of their life? Maybe by accident I had stumbled into the person I was meant to be with all along! My self esteem was flying high.
We became inseparable. He told me he loved me within days. He told me he wanted to get married within weeks. He was desperate to get out of his parents house and told me his woeful stories of having no where else to go to live. He was going to be paying child support on 2 kids now, didn't earn much money, had issues with his credit (which of course were not his fault) etc, etc. Just needed a "little help" to get going again. And there I was. With "IDIOT" and "SUCKER" stamped all over my forehead.
I don't know how else to say it but I let him in. All the way in, emotionally and physically. I opened my heart in a way that I had NEVER done - not even with my husband. I believed, I trusted, I couldn't believe there was someone who loved me so much and I decided to grab on for the ride. He met my kids and very soon he moved into my house. Without knowing what I was really doing because I could not be honest with myself, I set out to "fix" this man into the man of my dreams. I thought he was full of untapped potential and could become something great. We made plans and started to build our dream. We would be great. We would be happy.
Ok, so here it goes.
Probably the first question that needs to get answered is why am I doing this? Well, it's one of my attempts at "doing the work" that will allow myself to heal from a recent heartbreak that knocked me on my ass and if I believe all the other things I have read in the last couple of months, get me ready to have the relationship I really want. Stop making the same mistakes in the future, in other words. I plan to be really honest with what I feel, the things I have said and the absolutely dumb things that I have already done and maybe if I am really lucky prevent some more in the future because being in denial about it isn't going to do me any good. And if nothing else, for anyone who might come across this they can see that there is someone else out there going through the same things and most likely getting through it better.
So what is my story?
I am 45 years old. I just turned 45 a couple of months ago, about 2 months after the breakup. Which sucks. There is nothing like feeling older right on the heels of rejection. I am not ugly and I have been told that I look younger than my actual age. I think I could pass anywhere between 35 and 38 out in public. Home, without makeup and tired, I'm sure I look my age or older. Statistics for finding a happy relationship now are against me, but I still hope.
I was in a relationship with a man (boy?) who is 15 years younger than me. I know, it kind of makes me shudder now too. But in my defense (slightly), I did some research on the "acceptability" of these relationships (also referred to as May-December romances) and we just made it to supposedly be accepted by society. You take the older person's age and divide by 2 then add 7. If the younger person's age is greater than that number, then it is an acceptable age gap relationship. So, 45/2 = 22.5 + 7 = 29.5. He is 30. Got a whole 6 months to spare. We were together for 3 years and 9 months. I thought I was going to start this blog about 6 weeks ago, but then I actually was feeling better, thinking that I was over the hard part and on the way to truly getting past this. But then I suffered a set back about 3 weeks ago. I'm not exactly sure what caused the regression, but a couple of popular theories are that I wasn't really doing as well as I thought and was living in denial and it was just a matter of time or that I thought I was so far past it that I could just be a little curious about what was going on his life so I peeked in and once again got a nice suckerpunch to the gut.
How in the world did this happen?
I was in a good place back then - emotionally, physically, financially. I had been on my own for several months since any sort of dating or male romantic interests. I was about 3 months into a new job which was exciting and challenging. My new job was pretty much like my old job - just a switch of companies. Hard to explain really, but let's just say that I was working in the same place for about a year before I got the new job with all the same people, then just a quick change over to a new company, slightly different job, quite a bit more money. I had just bought a house and was all moved in. My ex-husband and I (was married for 11 years from 1995 to 2006, separated in 2005) were sharing the custody of our 2 kids and were getting along OK. I was working a lot when I didn't have the kids and I can say that I was pretty happy with my life. Sometimes lonely but I was finding things to keep me busy.
I worked in a warehouse in a role of management, which basically means that I was so crazy busy all the time that I pretty much never left the office area and my computer. This is only important because my future guy, Sam, worked there too but I never knew who he was for the first year before I got the new job. Later on I pretended that I knew who he was when he asked me (some sort of romantic notion that we were crushing on each other from afar), but the honest answer was that I had no clue who he was and really didn't care. Sam worked out on the warehouse floor. He was 26 at the time we met. He had gone to college for maybe a year or so before dropping out.
Then one day my role was expanded and all of a sudden I had a team of people from the warehouse floor to manage. That team included Sam and there he was in my life. He started to come in to talk to me a lot. Finding work related things to discuss but he also started to tell me things about his life. Sam was living with a girlfriend and they just had a baby. I mean just had a baby, like within days. They had been together for the nine months it took to cook the baby. He seemed miserable. He talked about how bad the relationship was for him and how he wanted out. I remember thinking to myself so many terrible things as he would talk about his life. I felt sorry for him, I felt sorry for his girlfriend and my heart broke for the baby. I sat there and listened to him, all while I judged him for being young, stupid, irresponsible, and basically acting typical of an uneducated and poor person. Each day he came to talk to me and each day there seemed to be more of his awful life that unfolded. The next bombshell was another child (this one about 3) whose mother (ex-wife: this one he had married) wanted to relocate to another state where her mother lived and he had just signed the papers to allow her to go. He broke down, he cried, he ranted, he complained. And yet there was something interesting about this big pile of tragic drama, pain and anger that kept me listening and even offering advise or maybe just saying that I was sorry a lot. At the same time, through all this awfulness, there was also a young, super vulnerable and cute guy who was becoming interested in me. I remember very clearly the day that I made a bad decision and flirted back with him through an instant message he sent me. I don't know why. To see if I could? Because I hadn't had sex in 8 months? Because I could tell he liked me and I wanted some attention? A quick little fling? Or even more awful, because I was being selfish and thought I could have some fun without getting involved or hurt and I didn't give any consideration to the message I was sending out.
One day he told me he had left baby momma #2 and moved back in with his parents. I was shocked actually. It was one thing to talk about how unhappy you were, quite another to leave. I was unhappy in my marriage for years and stayed well beyond the expiration date for that relationship for the sake of our kids. I can say that even now, 4 years later, I don't know what happened between them with 100% certainty. He wouldn't talk about it in any more detail other than they fought all the time, they didn't have any money, the stress of the baby, her parents were a nightmare and it was overall a bad situation. I imagine that getting together because the woman got pregnant is not a strong foundation for a relationship and the reality hit them both.
When a work situation presented itself where everyone was going to have to work long hours over weekend, I decided to get a hotel room closer to work so I would not have to make the long drive home in the middle of the night or when really tired. You know what? I wrote that and it doesn't feel right. I cannot remember how it happened, who's idea it was - but here is the truth - by the time this weekend came about, we knew that we were going to be sharing a hotel room. I think I told him that was my plan but I wanted him to stay with me, I know that. I think I gave him an opening to see what he would do, and he took it as I suspected he would. We talked about it and said that this was just going to be an opportunity for us to get to know each other better outside of work. I wanted a fling. I wanted sex. I did not want a relationship with this man. He was a mess. We were not from the same walk of life. We were so very different and I couldn't relate to his life or his experiences or his decisions. I don't know what he wanted. I didn't ask. I assumed that he had enough trouble already in his life and was there to have fun too. I remember leaving work during the day and going to the hotel to check in and get 2 keys. I remember walking out onto the floor to find him and slip him his key. I remember being excited. I wanted the day to end, I wanted to be with him. He went first and I showed up maybe an hour later. I was very nervous - the truth was that we barely knew each other and I hadn't been with someone for awhile. We talked for a very long time and he told me that he wanted to take it slow, to really be friends with me before anything physical happened. He didn't want to mess things up with me. That he really liked me. That scared me because it was so different than where I was. It also wasn't what I wanted right then and I pushed until I got my way. We kissed, we were sleeping in the same bed. I kept going and we had sex. It wasn't that great. And that was how it began.
