The Relationship Inventory

A relationship inventory.  The breakup experts say that you should take an objective look back at the relationship and see it for what it was.  The good times, the not so good times and the downright bad ones.  It is true and amazing that after the relationship is gone it is harder to remember the bad times or even the boring - or at least those aren't the ones that pop into your head first - those need a little more prompting to get them back to the forefront of your mind for consideration. 

Have I placed my relationship on a pedestal?  No, not really.  Or at least if I did before, I am past that point now.  I am sure that I have focused on the good times more than the bad while ruminating over it in the last few months but I can say with honesty that I have not altered the facts of our relationship to make it seem perfect in my mind.

It was a relationship that had issues from the beginnning but I could not see them while I was living it.  There were red flags which I ignored and justified so that I could keep going.  After deciding to fully put myself into this relationship and invest anything into it at all, it's pretty difficult to not want to get the return for your investment instead of cutting your losses quickly and getting the hell out of there.  Plus, let's remember this relationship was on the fast track and we were living together so fast that it then also became about logistics.  Where would he go if I kicked him out?

It was doomed from the start, really.  Fast forwarded relationships don't last.  They can't last because it's impossible to maintain that level of intensity for the long haul and the truth of the matter is that you don't know each other very well at all before you find yourself claiming to be in a serious committed relationship - living together, talking about marriage, buying things together, the whole kit and kaboodle.  Every new relationship has the "honeymoon" period, and so did we.  In the beginning we were around each other constantly.  We couldn't keep our hands off each other.  We went out and had fun together, we talked, we made up lovey nicknames for each other, we did nice things for each other like trade off cooking nice dinners, we laughed, we shared stories of our pasts and our hopes for the future.

Our honeymoon period lasted about a year and then I thought we were all settled in for the "normal" part of a relationship, the real deal, life - which was fine, I was ready.  I had no delusions that life was a fairy tale and that the honeymoon would never end.  As more and more things came out about him and the drama started happening, I felt like I could deal with it all - bring it on, I was super strong woman!  I came into the relationship strong and healthy and didn't once think that there was anything that could not be fixed.

OK, the inventory.

Good things:

• Trust.  Up until the last month of our relationship, I trusted this man with everything.  I never once thought that he would cheat on me (and this is something given our rather large age difference) or lie about anything.  I never worried about what he was doing when we weren't together and I never, ever, ever looked at his phone or email.  At least for the first 3 years, 8 months.  Last month, not so much - but more on that later.
• The physical stuff.  Not just sex.  The sex was consistent - meaning for the entire relationship we had sex at least 3 to 4 times a week.  Sometimes it was fantastic, sometimes it was good and sometimes it was OK.  But also the physical on the hugs, kissing goodbye and hello, holding hands and just generally wanting to be physically near one another, even if it was just in the same room.  We didn't become a couple that was sharing a house but basically living in different rooms.
• He loved my kids.  He loved them in a way that was right for us.  Did he try and replace their Dad?  Nope, not at all.  He took interest in them in more of a friend way - asked them about school, went to their sports and school activities, did things with us as a family but not with an intention of being their father.  He was accepted by them and vise versa.  Perfect?  Again, no.  They did things to annoy him and vise versa.  But they also had another adult in their lives that cared about them, took an interest in what they did and was there for them when they needed it.
• He was (is, I guess, since he is unfortunately not dead) cute and funny.  Tall, dark, thin, beautiful blue eyes.  And funny.  He could come up with the funniest sayings and nicknames for almost anything.  I loved the goofy side of him and that he could make me and the kids laugh.
• He seemed genuine.  This one is a bit harder to list on the good things, and there is a caveat.  It makes it on the list because I do think that there were times when he really did want to change his life path.  Sometimes the light bulb would go on and I could see that he did understand how bad decisions got him to where he was and there was a glimmer of hope that he could take the responsibility and turn it around as long as he had the help and support (also known as me, the doormat) to be there for him.  I do believe that he could see himself in a better place (this is mostly financial and career related) that he understood that he had to do the work to make that happen.  And he did try at first.

The Bad:

• He was such a mess.  Emotionally, financially, education wise, career wise, health wise, relationship wise.  Again, the fast forward into this relationship missed all those opportunities to really get to know where someone has been and the trail of destruction left behind until it is too late.  When things keep coming one right after another as opposed to all at once, it also makes it easier NOT to see the big picture of mess.  And of course I thought I could fix it all.  Clean up the mess and make a great man and partner.
• "Couldn't catch a break".  This became the mantra.  He was a victim and nothing ever worked out for him because of something or someone else.  He could not see that it was himself that prevented success or moving forward every time.
• A smoker.  OK, I will admit there is a little bit of this that I liked and could get me going a bit (mostly when I had a couple of drinks in me).  I thought it was sexy when there was a cigarette hanging out of his mouth while he was doing something else with his hands.  I thought he looked cool when he held it between his thumb and first finger.  But, it was gross.  It was stinky, bad for his health, bad for his teeth and hated the cigarette butts on the back porch.
• Anger.  Not necessarily at me.  And this isn't like being pissed at someone in the normal sense of a couple disagreeing or having a fight.  This is like the anger at other people while driving, over-reacting to losing in a video game (Black Ops - I will FOREVER hate you), etc.  The weird explosive temper tantrums almost that I seemed to be the unintended audience for.  I hated talking him down, hated trying to smooth things over, hated listening to the verbal assault meant for others.
• Impulsive, needy, obsessive.  I found that these lovely traits went beyond me and basically extended to everything in his world.  I remember very distinctly the moment when I realized that his level of "want" went way beyond what was normal and I was so frustrated that this became our first fight.  It was over a pair of jeans.  He was surfing the internet and looking at clothes at Nordstrom and there was a pair of jeans he wanted.  I don't remember if it was that they didn't have his size online or he didn't want to wait to have them shipped, but there was something that triggered the need to drive to the mall and get the jeans RIGHT NOW.  The store at the mall didn't have them either and then it was this thing, this huge issue.  He got into a terrible mood, was sulking, complaining, wouldn't stop talking about these stupid jeans.  And I snapped at him.  I couldn't stand it - what was the big deal?  He didn't even really NEED them.  And he couldn't even afford them (I was going to buy them).  Why wouldn't another pair work?  This "issue" was taking over our entire day and I was mad.  It seemed to scare him a bit that I "rebelled" and called him on his crap and for that day the issue dropped.  What I didn't know is that this would become the way of life and I would stop pushing back - it was too hard and too much energy to try and show him the error of his thinking and behavior.  It shifted and became easier in my mind to get him those things he wanted with the hope that this latest thing would finally get him happy and satisfied.  But he was a black hole of need and there was never ever going to be a way to fill it up.
• Complaining, negative.  If you have ever been around someone like this you can understand the impact it can have.  Me:  "How was your day at work?"  Him:  "Terrible".  The answer never changed.  Well, the actual words might have changed, but you get my drift.  If I had happened to have a good day, it was then tarnished by then listening to everything and everyone that contributed towards making his day suck.  There was no hope, no light at the end of the tunnel.  He couldn't find a larger goal and have that be what drove him to be better and find the good in any situation.  And he couldn't see that being negative about everything made others not want to be around him or act a certain way around him and therefore contribute to the bad day.  And round and round it went.  A self fulfilling prophecy - you think life sucks and guess what?  It will.

I'm going to stop with all that now.  I probably could go on but I am beginning to hate the way I sound about it.  I was/am no angel and I am sure if asked, he could come up with his own list of what was bad for him in the relationship.  No doubt.

The thing is, the list of bad still reads like a "to-do" list in my mind.  Fix, fix, fix, cross the issues off the list.  Give and keep on giving until it makes him happy.  Help him get a great job, nice things, avoid things that make him angry, just lead him into happiness!  Ugh.  This is where I got broke and to be honest was never going to change unless he left.  And that is why I really should thank him for going.

I'm not exactly sure how I became this person.  I had not been a person so desperate for a man or love that I would compromise so much of me.  I was independent, successful, took care of myself and kids, I didn't need to be saved or supported.  So maybe that is just it, that I thought this is what it meant to have unconditional love for someone, that it meant knowing no limits and busting up all boundaries.  If I didn't need a man to take care of me, then what did I need one for?  For love, for friendship, for a partner.  And he promised all those things at first with such intensity and sincerity.  How could I not ride it out and cash in on the relationship I was promised?